Comedian and Presenter James Barr on Turning Pain into Power: 'This Show Is Funny, F’ked and Fiercely Honest'

Comedian James Barr isn’t afraid to say the unsayable, especially when it’s been written in a Christmas card to his mum. In his raw and riotous stand-up show Sorry I Hurt Your Son (Said My Ex to My Mum), Barr blends sharp comedy with painful truths about queer love and domestic abuse. Co-directed by Nanette’s Madeleine Parry, the show is fearless, funny, and deeply human. Cultural Dose spoke with James about healing, humour, and why the dinner party of his dreams involves hummus, panic trifle, and Cow and Chicken.

The title of your show is already shocking and funny. Can you tell us the story behind it?

My ex-boyfriend literally wrote this, “Sorry I hurt your son” in a Christmas card to my mum. I couldn’t believe it.

It felt like the right title because it’s bold, it’s uncomfortable, and it says everything in one line. Just like the show, it sits right on the edge of funny and f**ked.

Domestic abuse isn’t a typical subject for comedy. Did you ever have doubts about sharing this story in such a public way? 

When I first started writing this, a few people told me doing an hour of comedy about domestic abuse might be offensive. But that’s exactly why I had to do it. So many survivor stories are heavy, extreme, or worst-case scenarios - and honestly, that made it harder for me to recognise what I was going through at the time. 

I needed to write this show for me. To make it less painful. To talk about it in a way that felt funny, not harrowing - but I’ve had so many doubts along the way. For a while I was terrified that someone’s abusive partner might attack me during the show, but luckily there’s nothing more terrifying for perpetrators than accountability. 

And have you had audience members share their own experiences with you after the show?

So many. Honestly, I could’ve left this show behind after finishing the Edinburgh Fringe Festival last year, but the messages I’ve received from audiences are what kept me going. I’ve seen the impact it’s having, and that makes it feel like the start of something—not the end.

People have called it life-changing. I don’t know about that, but it’s definitely changed my life. I need as many people as possible to hear this story, because domestic abuse is happening far more often than we realise, in so many different ways.

It’s uncomfortable to talk about. But that’s exactly why we have to and I love the audience sharing their stories with me after.

Domestic abuse in same-sex relationships is rarely talked about. Why do you think there’s still such a taboo? And what do you wish more people understood about queer relationships?

We’ve spent so long trying to convince straight people that queer love is just like straight love - just to get basic rights like marriage - that now, I think we’re scared to tell the truth. Scared that if we show the cracks, we’ll be judged, or rejected all over again.

For all the pride, most of us just want an easy life. We want to be loved. So, when you finally find someone, it’s hard to admit if something’s wrong. We feel lucky to have found love at all, and that makes it harder to leave.

I always thought if something violent ever happened to me, it would be on the street. Not in my own home. That’s what shocked me the most.

Your show is co-directed by Madeleine Parry, who worked on Hannah Gadsby’s Nanette; a game-changer in stand-up. Do you think comedy has become a more powerful space for telling difficult, personal stories?

Definitely. I think comedy has always been a space for truth-telling and we’re finally letting the hard stuff sit in the room a bit longer now. There’s a pretty tried and tested Fringe show trope to drop the trauma at around 45 minutes, I think working with Madeleine has helped me hold the emotional weight of the story much earlier, without losing the comedy. My hour pretty much opens at the heart of the matter. 

And I think queer people have always known how to turn pain into performance. Drag queens have been doing it for decades—taking everything we were shamed for and turning it into power

If you could go back in time and give baby James Barr one piece of advice before his first-ever gig, what would it be?

This is going to be horrific for about five years, and then it’ll start to click so hang in there, and I’ll see you then. 

Last question; you’re hosting a dinner party and can invite three fictional characters. Who’s coming, and what are you cooking?

Why am I cooking? Is that why it’s fictional? No one real could possibly tolerate my ‘cooking’. I think I’m serving oven chips. Maybe some hummus. Possibly a panic trifle.

I’d like to invite Cow and Chicken, their dynamic is pure camp, and Pingu, obviously. I’m not sure what we’d talk about, but I feel like the vibes would be unhinged in a healing way. This answer is so surreal. 

James Barr is on tour with his stand-up show ‘Sorry I Hurt Your Son (Said My Ex to My Mum)’ at various places across the UK. For more information and tickets, visit: https://jamesbarruktour.tix.to/Tickets